Well this is the epic ending to this trilogy… Thanks for waiting…
So when we last left our hero he was in prison, doing 2-3 years upstate. Taking a little time off from the life. So why did I go back? Well for the sake of not writing a full novel lets just say that this was a pattern for me. On again and off again. I went back for love. Love for the drugs, love for the lifestyle, love for the game, love for the lie that gave me comfort, love for the false sense of control that these things gave me.
I went back for love, obsessive, compulsive love. The kind that has you waking up next to someone you swore you would never go back to, the kind of love that makes you ignore all the people who love you and have helped you break free from your relationship, because they wouldn’t be able to understand why you have gone back. The kind of love that makes it impossible to have any other relationships in your life.
So I have been trying to find a way to mend and repair this relationship that has clearly become something that defined me in my life. I want things to be ok between us. I enjoy the time we spend together but hate the abuse. I hate that I can’t just be happy with the way things are. I hate that I always have to take it too far. I really believe that I can make it work. So I try different things, like taking time off, trying different drugs like alcohol or prescription meds so that I don’t feel like such a drug addict.
Clearly it had become a problem at this point and wouldn’t you know it, everyone except me can see it. At 24 I got myself into a nice secondary relationship with the soon to be mother of my child. We did drugs together and everything was fun and fine until she got pregnant. I was in no condition to raise a child, or keep a family and that became apparent to everyone real fast. Over and over we broke up and fought, her and I and me and my drugs. I kept “trying” to stop by coming up with master plans to do it on my own, and she kept getting let down because, let’s be honest, my plans sucked.
So detox after detox, and incarceration after incarceration had left me as a broken man until around age 29 when I was sitting in Middleton jail for the last time. I had been arrested for the same charges I was already on probation for and was looking at another stretch which unfortunately I was prepared to do. I was a veteran to this life and jail felt like home. It was safe, by that I mean I was safe from myself, I couldn’t really make things any worse. I had lost or given away everything that meant anything to me, and this is where it ends.
I came out of jail and of course just because of who I am I had to go back to her one last time to see if it was the same, and I hated it. I hated her. There was no more love, only disgust, memories of pain, and guilt, memories of the horrible things I had done and the fun I had doing them. It was very confusing for me but it worked. I felt nothing for her anymore. Or so I thought…
It never really ends, she was my first great love and we were together for 16 years. Although it was off and on she was there at all times, in my mind and in my heart. She was there when my son was born, she was there when I was enjoying my happiest moments, and during the sad ones. I can never forget the time we shared and I will admit some of it was fun or I would have left years ago. This relationship turned out to be the most destructive thing in my life, but I wouldn’t be who I am without it.
I have learned through all of this that it is important for me to have a healthy fear as well as respect for how powerful that addiction was for me, and to never forget what I have gone through. Just like with any other relationship, you can keep going back for the same abuse from the same people if you forget how the other ones were. If you forget about the pain and frustration youve felt during your previous relationships you wont be able to recognize it in your current relationships.
I keep that memory alive by talking about it, and you help me by reading about it… Thank you…
-fin-
By Michael Wilson
