The obvious answer is, very carefully. The less obvious and more practical way is to know your boundaries, and be a consistent source of positive options. For someone that is living with a loved one who is an active addict or alcoholic this can be pretty hard.
The addict…
I have heard that we (addicts) can be hard to deal with sometimes, that we may challenge you and try to manipulate you, while at the same time making you feel responsible for our actions. We have been known to lie about our use and about how bad things really are in order to protect our relationship with drugs or alcohol. This is what it is like to have a relationship with us, even when you really love us and depend on us, this is what you will get until we stop.
Because of this it is important for you to know your boundaries when dealing with us. If you think you can change us by trying to prove we are lying, catch us in our lies, stand in our way, or stand up for yourself, you are wrong. Arguments, promises, and sincerity are our specialty and we can make you doubt yourself anytime we want in order to protect our right to use.
The family…
As a family member or friend all we want is to understand. To understand why, how, when, what, and where to go for help. Because of this we look to the one person who should be able to give us those answers… our loved one. We look to them as though they can help us help them. By not understanding who, and what we are dealing with we can become part of the problem very fast.
When we are trying to love an addict we are trying to help them figure out there addiction and we are getting involved in their life and their problems, because we love them. If we are going to get involved in their addiction we need to have personal boundaries. Otherwise it is very easy to get sick right along side of them. Once that happens we become incapable of actually helping them and our love becomes harmful.
So knowing your boundaries is a very important part of loving an addict or alcoholic. The words tough love get thrown around as a solution to loving an addict and I feel as though that is the wrong way to phrase the right way to deal with this situation. Tough love is a tactic to help someone learn a hard life lesson. Boundaries are designed to help you become stronger in a relationship you want to keep, or a way to protect yourself from one you don’t.
There is no one size fits all solution to loving an addict but be assured that this approach will work for anyone who is willing to change. First, learn about the issue your loved one is having. Second, learn how you can and cannot help. Third, redefine your relationship accordingly by creating personal boundaries.
We all want to help, and we all want them to stop suffering, sometimes the hardest thing we can do is love them the right way by staying strong and offering them real help…
To be continued…
